grief

I wondered if anyone has ever been here..the point where a love one died and there is a process called grieving. You find yourself in a mixture of unexplained feelings and situations; stuff you never felt before, so overwhelming.

My brother died recently. The details are pretty vague but he was ill of health and his passing marks the end of a long journey of hope for me. A hope that one day, I may be able to see him again. My world shattered and even now, i am still reeling from all of it.

The question is, how do I deal with it? Is there a way to deal with..this thing called grief? One moment, you are sad, then angry, then happy. It is a rollercoaster of confusion. For some, they drown themselves in work, distracting themselves from thoughts of missing the lost loved one. Some, sadly, drown themselves into unwanted demons, drinking, drugs..just to take away the pain.

As for me, I am still very lost. I find it hard to accept that my brother, the man I have not seen for so many years, left me without saying goodbye or even a note. The man, I hated and missed at the same time, who messed up my life when he left is now but a distant memory.

My heart hangs heavy as I write this...I miss him and its been hard for me. He was the only one who understood me, he wasn't just a brother, he was like another father. He loved me and I loved him... This passing is so difficult for me to accept.

I honestly cannot believe Fate is so cruel to me. I question her and her motive; why me..why is it she has to almost always targets me? Isn't there anyone else she can wreck her curses on? I hate her!

Yet, I am grateful, that, despite all that has happened, I have gained a new sister, a new brother, found my niece and happy that all five of my long lost angels are happy and will always be that way..your father is watching over you guys and you are all in my prayers; Fawzi, Faruq, Aisha, Firuz and Rocio... Your aunt misses you and I hope to Allah to please, please reunite me with my angels..even if AK is no longer here..all I have are them..and my sister Pili.

Thanks and grateness for my brother... you are always my special Angel you know?

I hope the tears will fall no more..I have to be strong for myself and Abah...