Lately, I find myself lost in a prism of unknown thoughts. Random things that just seem to come and go as they please, like little sparrows that perch on your window sill and fly off before you get the chance to wave 'hello'.

Sometimes, I think I may just go insane..insane with so much feelings of sensual emotion, feelings that I thought were long dead. The adrenaline rush of falling into something..LOVE? No, something like it, but the difference is vast and as it is, unexplainable.

I feel uncivilized and abscured from the world..although hiding from all the hypocrasy may be a good idea. All it does is bite and hurt you, like a rabied dog on a mad binge..someone shoot that thing!

Tingles all over my skin and kisses all around from an unknown that seems to stick to my heart. Feeling helpless at my uncertain future yet hoping for a happiness that is just hard to grasp. Wondering if the unfairness of being in an unforseen future would be...

Blatantly ignorant of the sound of my conscience, lost in a subliminal dark abyss and enjoying a death -for- sure joyride on a piece of broken machinery that promised me bliss...my mind screams; INSANITY!!!

I am me..no doubt about that; no dopplegangers in the picture, your eyes will not fail you. I am where I stand and who I am suppose to be. There is no place for changes, compromises or second guesses.

Then again..part of me just wants to believe in the meaning of..simplicity...an appreciation for all things moderate and a love for all that is just unbeknownst to the roving eyes. Too much thoughts and so much pain..

I just want to be happy...for me...

(me and mak. I think I was 3..maybe four?)

Trying so hard to grasp all that is happening. To understand and make an impression of what's going on. Lost in a myriad of dreams, unspoken truths and unseen sadness. Looking out for what's been said and done, trying to correct the wrong and leaving empty spaces that just don't make sense.

Trying to deny an emptiness that surrounds and tumbling into the unknown secrets. Sharing a hardened task and going full head into the unrecognizable and unbelievable. Grasping a sense of subliminal sense of reality, crying for a closure of uncertainties and an end to the hypocracy.

Promising of a new tomorrow, restoring hope and faith. Linking what that has been broken annd fixing a path to make a whole new generation. To feel the strength and power of this insanity called LOVE.

In the end... LOVE will conquer all

grief

I wondered if anyone has ever been here..the point where a love one died and there is a process called grieving. You find yourself in a mixture of unexplained feelings and situations; stuff you never felt before, so overwhelming.

My brother died recently. The details are pretty vague but he was ill of health and his passing marks the end of a long journey of hope for me. A hope that one day, I may be able to see him again. My world shattered and even now, i am still reeling from all of it.

The question is, how do I deal with it? Is there a way to deal with..this thing called grief? One moment, you are sad, then angry, then happy. It is a rollercoaster of confusion. For some, they drown themselves in work, distracting themselves from thoughts of missing the lost loved one. Some, sadly, drown themselves into unwanted demons, drinking, drugs..just to take away the pain.

As for me, I am still very lost. I find it hard to accept that my brother, the man I have not seen for so many years, left me without saying goodbye or even a note. The man, I hated and missed at the same time, who messed up my life when he left is now but a distant memory.

My heart hangs heavy as I write this...I miss him and its been hard for me. He was the only one who understood me, he wasn't just a brother, he was like another father. He loved me and I loved him... This passing is so difficult for me to accept.

I honestly cannot believe Fate is so cruel to me. I question her and her motive; why me..why is it she has to almost always targets me? Isn't there anyone else she can wreck her curses on? I hate her!

Yet, I am grateful, that, despite all that has happened, I have gained a new sister, a new brother, found my niece and happy that all five of my long lost angels are happy and will always be that way..your father is watching over you guys and you are all in my prayers; Fawzi, Faruq, Aisha, Firuz and Rocio... Your aunt misses you and I hope to Allah to please, please reunite me with my angels..even if AK is no longer here..all I have are them..and my sister Pili.

Thanks and grateness for my brother... you are always my special Angel you know?

I hope the tears will fall no more..I have to be strong for myself and Abah...

I want the world to meet; Firuz and Rocio..

My nephew and niece. There is another three whose faces I have yet to see.

I may have lost my brother..but my angels will carry on their dad's legacy.

I love you guys..

No I can't forget this evening

Or your face as you were leaving

But I guess that's just the way

The story goes

You always smile but in your eyes

Your sorrow shows

Yes it shows

No I can't forget tomorrow

When I think of all my sorrow

When I had you there

But then I let you go

And now it's only fair

That I should let you know

What you should know

I can't live If living is without you

I can't live I can't give anymore

I can't live If living is without you

I can't give I can't give anymore

For Mak and Kadir; the two major fans of Air Supply..

Update

I wish I had done a bit more for my previous post but blogger isn't being very nice, so I'm just gonna leave it at that. I wrote such a nice long piece and blogger won't publish it *sob*sob*

Hate it, hate it...

Anyway, I just remembered why I started THIS blog; my gratitude blog. Where I actually shared my happiness and the stuff I am passionate about on it. Stuff that make me happy and differentiates me from the others..

I was on 'The Hurricane of Gratitude' and Alex actually posted a video on my Facepage. He was talking about having a good week and living my passion(s) and it occurred to me..

What exactly is or are my passions?

I have several things that I like; reading, networking and listening to people and their woes. Sometimes, people call me AUNTY AGGY..whatever that means.I just like helping people. Its a disease I was born with; others before self..although I have no idea who else is like that in my family..oh wait..my dad..I don't know about Kadir, he may just be a selfish ass..if he wasn't, he'd be here in Singapore wouldn't he?

I think my biggest passion, is writing. Well I have three active blogs and theres one that's just stagnant on the shelf because I realised I opened hadithuna.com with the same purpose in mind.

Sharifah, Sharifah..

I know, I am just so silly sometimes; yet another one of my passions, being silly. I like it when people laugh at my corny jokes and I love to hear my kids laugh, especially Aiman. He has this cute laugh that's a cross between a hard laugh and a giggle. I think most kids laugh like that.

My passion has no boundaries, really. To be honest I find pleasure in the most littlest and absurd things; things that people overlook and do not seem to bother. Things that people wave off. I am that passionate about it, whatever it is, as long as it makes sense.

Right now, I need me some PANADOL...

Stupid headache...

I SUPPORT LOCAL MUSiC!!!

This entry is a dedication to local artistes from Singapore; among them that I support; Taufik Batisah, Paul Twohill and Imran Ajmain.I just have to say that what you guys have been doing, your contributions to the local music scene is fantastic. I hope you guys will keep up the good work and carry on in your pursuit to put Singapore on the international music map...Imran, long time no see..I am wondering if you are still that quiet, intense looking young man I met during Aidilfitri about ten years ago at Clementi West Ave 2 :O) I digress...I think that local artistes need alot more exposure. I mean, what bugs me is what happens to them after their wins. As for Taufik, he is an established artiste with various awards under his belt. What about the others? We can't just have them on ipop or some webspace..bring them out I say! They deserve as much recognition as any other artiste from any other country. They are that talented.

What I don't understand is the sense of perfectionism that we all want from them. They are doing their best and hey..they're human too, just like us. Its unfair to have expectations. They sing, act, and they do their best to please us. We should be appreciative of what they have done, be proud of their achievements. If you think you can do better, then come out and sing, or else just sit back down on your salsa stained couch and shut the Hell up! Also, singers sing, not end up as radio DJs..you have mass com students for that!

I remember back in the 90's and we had KiCK! with Jai and John Klass and another guy whose name I do not recall. They were super good. We need bands like that. We've got Electrico and they're super good. yet, I don't see enough credits for these people. Sure they get airplay, but will I see an Electrico poster on somebody's wall? maybe..then again, maybe I won't.

I so hope that there will be more done to spread the word. We need to bring more local acts out there, out to, not just Asia..let's try the world for size!

Keep up the great job, guys...

Quoting Miley

'I probably shouldn't say this

But at times I get so scared

When I think about the previous

Relationship we shared

It was awesome but we lost it

It's not possible for me not to care

And now we're standing in the rain

And nothings ever gonna change until you hear

My dear

The seven things I hate about you

The seven things I hate about you

Oh you

You're vain, your games

You're insecure

You love me, you like her

You make me laugh

You make me cry

I don't know which side to buy

Your friends they're jerks

When you act like them

Just know it hurts

I wanna be with the one I know

And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do

You make me love you

It's awkward and silent

As I wait for you to say

What I need to hear now

Your sincere apology

When you mean it I'll believe it

If you text it I'll delete it

Let's be clear

Oh, I'm not coming back

You're taking seven steps here

And compared to all the great things

That would take too long to write

I probably should mention the seven that I like

The seven things I like about you

Your hair, your eyes

Your old Levis

When we kiss I'm hypnotized

You make me laugh, you make me cry

But I guess that's both I'll have to buy

Your hand in mine

When we're in a intertwined

Everything's alright

I wanna be with the one I know

And the seventh thing I like the most that you do

You make me love you

You do....'

7 things; Miley Cyrus

'I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine

I got a love and I know that it's all mine,

Do what you want but you're never gonna break me

Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me...'

Pocketful of Sunshine; Natasha Bedingfield

'What if God was one of us?

Just a slob like one of us?

Just a stranger on the bus...

Trying to make his way home...'

Joan Osborne; One of Us

I was watching tv and oddly the two shows I channel surfed had the same themes..well almost..

What if God was one of us? One show was about God existing as a human among us (it was in Tamil with subtitles) and the other one was about this African American woman who was struggling to let go of her marriage and her husband and falling in love with another man...it made me cry..what she said actually to her lover after she signed the divorce papers and left her husband...which now I realize is totally irrelevant but still...hmm...ok its something like this..


'Ask me again; If I love you..
I carry you with me, in spirit..
And when you're gone for more than an hour
I miss you..
Your smile, just lights up my day..
Ask me again; I love you..
Ask me again'

*sob*sob*

I am a sucker for romance...I can't help being a hopeless romantic... I even cried watching Elton John get married to his partner... *sniff*sniff*

I am not gay by the way...wait a minute..you know that already...

Still, what if God indeed walked among us? I bet he'd be having a tough time, what with the many religious leaders to deal with..the many requests... I'd feel sorry for Him, really I would..

Maybe God should just stay up there... I like the arrangement that way

There she goes again, people...Sharifah is OFF THE WALL

*sings* what if God was one of us...

I am sure some of you may be laughing and asking yourself if I have gone totally off my markers by calling this blog, girl;intterupted. No, its just a referral to the point where I stopped BEING a girl. The point where the girl was forced to grow up and be a woman.

I was 18, going 19 when I got married. At a time where most of the girls my age were partying hard and worrying about grades and a Uni degree, I was changing diapers and saving up for the future prospect of a new home. No more freedom to just mingle around; no more time for fooling around.

It didn't occur to me at first, that it would bother me; I did eventually and I started to get pangs of regret..I hated myself, hated the idea of being tied down and wished so much that I could do something better for myself. I was young, foolish and stupid.

Now, when I look back...I think to myself; what if I had not been so rushed to settle down? What if I had gone with him to live in Europe, and had all my studying settled?

I don't know...I will never know but what I do know is this;

I am happy with being a girl;interrupted. Regardless of what Tom, Dick or Harry has to say..

Daddy's Girl

I don't know how to tell you this. Its been what? 5? 6.. beautiful years of crazy, and sensuous times. You are simply insatiable, and as time went by, I realized that I had feelings for you. Maybe they got lost somewhere in the midst of all the passion, maybe it got stuck in the midst of my tears when I talked about us.

Are you really back for good? Did you really miss me? Or is it just bait to catch me, to miss you..for your own thrill and excitement... I miss your voice, and I crave to hear you call my name...always 'Daddy's Girl'..

Some part of me wants to forget you, some part of me wants to just bury us deep in a cemetery of dead memories. I can't trust your love for me, what about her? and the little one? Would you forsake all of that for me...

Forget me, and go back..step back away and love her again...I have found my true destiny and wether I will live happily, or even die an untimely death, I would be happier if you just stayed where you are and made him happy..your little angel...

Yes, I still love you... I just got lost somewhere...but I love you just as a friend now... nothing more, nothing less. I can't go back there anymore, baby...life is just too complicated for me to think anymore... the pieces just don't fit anymore.

Passing by so many people, the streets full of light. Cars honking, traffic jams. People like little ants as I look down on them from the top deck, scurrying around to get to their destinations in this life. The sky changes into many different hues of purple, indigo and blue...and finally dusk settles.

Cars move by in order as I look out the window, searching for familiar places, sights and sounds that remind me of yesteryears gone by. When I was holding Mak's hands as we crossed over to the market and had our lunch of dhosai with Abah and then headed to the market to see the live fishes.

The familiar white building, majestic as it is...the place where I heard the first cries of all my children; Raihan, Qistina, Badi, Hairul and Aiman... wishing if I could be there again one more time and bring home another angel, if He'd let me.

The lights all around tell me Christmas will be here soon. Tall Christmas trees deck the halls of places I never go to, yet almost always see. Aiman is restless in his shoes, running around the isle, he takes them off and screams his lungs out, attracting looks from people.

A familiar face..a former idol is in the bus..such a nice guy, he waves us goodbye before he leaves and Qistina is smitten..my little Princess is growing up...too fast sometimes...and it makes me sad. I don't know if I would be here long enough to hold her child...

Reaching home, I settle down next to Fendi and tell him of my dream..my wishes..he smiles knowingly and just holds me in his embrace. Life is good...finally...

Happy thoughts

Sexy dreams are so hard to get by these days, so when you do get one, just enjoy...I sure did. It was just awesome, and NO I am not sharing it with you..

Tough luck hun!

I am just so glad that I woke up ok and I have no weird sexually explicit hangover *laughs* although a part of me still feels a little kinky.

Can't believe I shared that..glad I did though, cause honesty is almost ALWAYS the best policy... whoever started saying that ought to be shot..or maybe has already been because he or she was just so freakingly understated.

STUPIDO...

Wrestling is so funny when the rest of the world laughs at two women who have nothing better to do than strip each other to their undies. I know, its degrading, actually; its insane why people take advantage of such situations, its like promoting soft porn. People actually pay money for stuff like that and its just plain degrading...go shoot your own video if you wanna see naked women. Get a walrus and a manatee together and you get pure heavenly bliss...

Trust me, I know...

I am just glad I am waking up to a morning of cool breezes and fresh sunshine... and the smell of sweat on naked flesh beats pancakes at breakfast ANYTIME...actually there's nothing for breakfast..

Oh shoot..I have to get some NOW!!!

'I don't want to be anything

other than what I've been trying to be lately

All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind

I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do

Or who I'm supposed to be

I don't want to be anything other than ME...'

Gavin DeGraw; I don't wanna be; OST The O.C

Bump in the road

I had mentioned about bumps earlier and well today was my 'bump'. I woke up to a major fight fest with my husband, and to be honest, I don't exactly remember what it was about and how it started. I was just so mad and angry. I have bruises on my arms, wrist and I am just glad he missed hitting me with a closet drawer by a millisecond..he didn't throw it down at me, just threatened. I almost left the house..with the kids.

Sometimes, you think that you have it all down pat, but something will just blow up in your face. You hope and pray that it gets better..but it takes more that daily gracious feelings and listing your wants and needs to perfect everything. You have to have FAITH...

The good, the bad and the ugly

Sometimes, on the road to perfection, you tend to hit bump and fall and get scratches. They will heal and you are on your way again. Today, is just one of those days for me. I didn't exactly wake up on the wrong side of the bed; I may have been able to control my emotions for a bit, but I didn't want to. For once, I just let myself go.

I feel that, to fully appreciate myself, I have to experience the bad days. As much as I try to supress it, it will still be there and there is nothing much I can really do to stop it. At this moment, I don't think I want to.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think everyone has their weak moments. For me, it was today and although its ended nicely, I still feel tremors of misunderstood thoughts, picture imperfect moments of things unthought and unthinkable. Thoughts that I should have been to suppress and just not think.

They are there; always, taunting and and creeping into my thoughts when I least expect them to. However, I must say that, as much as I get taunted and disturbed, I can still put a stop to it all and control them. For the sake of my own sanity, I just have to. For the sake of my need to improve myself and be a more worthy person, I will and I can.

Love

Have you ever been in love and how many times have you been in love? Was it good or was it bad? Did it end in matrimonial bliss or are you still good friends?

Why am I asking?

Its good to feel loved. It feels like the whole world is a better place when you are in love, when the feeling just seems to overpour from your heart and it fills you, body, mind and soul. There is no question, that it is the bestest feeling in the world. The adrenaline is good for your heart :O)

What if the love hurts? What if, all you feel is pain, just to sustain the love? Do you dwell in it? Do you keep on fighting and hope it will get by?

Well, if you love someone, set them free and if its right, they will come back to you. So I believed. Do I still believe in it? Do I still have hope for love?

I don't have to; I have the man I love in my life, and he is the best gift God has given me, lumps bumps, naggy mouth and all *laughs*

Thank you Fendi...you make me complete...

I am me

I am what I am
I am me
I will not subdue to
I will not be let down by
I will not be challenged to
I will not just watch and stand by

I will act
I will fight
I will find a way
I will be there
I will lend my hand

I am me
I will not be made
a mockery of
I will stand by my decisions
Even if you think
I am wrong
Because in the end
It comes back not to you
It comes back to me
And the choices I have made
The reasons for why
I have made them

Watch if you must
Remark if you will
Stand by me as you feel
But, you can never change me..
I am who I am;
I am me.

You win some, you lose some

I may have won the battle to change my life but I certainly need to work on how to lose my weight. However, I am greatful that I am healthy despite being , er, volumptous..if that is the right word for it *laughs*So, in order to make it all work, I have to start working on my motivation and start eating properly.

It rained again today, but I am glad I managed to do the laundry and hang it inside. Despite my aching knee I was able to force myself to walk. I am grateful to Fendi, my husband, for cooking dinner today, although I feel bad, because it should have been me cooking, not him. Still, the food was great and I enjoyed it at the dinner table, with the kids, Fendi, my dad and well, Prince... my cat.

I will try to start with the motivation to lose weight tomorrow. I have no idea what I am going to do, but I definately have to get off my fat arse and DO SOMETHING! No more procastination..and I have to clear my closet..man I hope there isn't a dead rat in there...

I feel good

I am feeling great about myself, I have never felt this way before..honestly, I am at that point where its just all going great for me. Despite the bad weather, the screw ups and battling inner demons, I am just feeling absolutely great.

I feel thankful for the rain today. Its been so hot lately and the rain seems to just cool the air and the freshness you get after a shower is unexplainable. Its like uncorking a fantastic bottle of aged wine and taking a whiff..I hate wine though...ok now I'm confused..

I am also glad that Raihan has been given another chance to prove himself in school and prove himself he must. I just hope he can explain to his aunt why her mirror broke...

That's NOT good...

Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

My Angel, Aiman.

He's two this year and three next year. He's everywhere i go and he is all that I know. I love him from the deepest part of my soul and when I think that life is giving up, his smile just takes me away to where I can break free.

He is my joy, happiness and inspiration. There is nothing better than to just cuddle up with him and watch TV. He is my passion, my identity; flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood.

When the world seems to crumble, and all colors fade, he comes to me with his strong grip and just smiles...laughs, and his infectiousness just makes me realize how indeed blessed I am...

I am thankful that he is mine...

Ibu loves you sayang...

Quick switch

I LOVE SYNYSTER GATES!!!

The rest of the afternoon today was a little frutrating to get by. Despite the trying moments, I managed to get through the day. What made it worse was the rain and cold weather. It was not just an ordinary passing shower, it was one of those really draining cold showers that was grey and muddy.Still, I am grateful for the rain as its presence was life for the living creatures of the Earth that thirst.

Today, I am grateful that I managed to get through the day despite a few hiccups. Despite battling personal demons, I won the battle and I am feeling increadibly strong and I stand tall. I don't care what people think, feel or have to wonder..I am me and I will not change for anyone! I don't care what people think of me, its what I think of me that matters. And yes..I love Synyster Gates from Avenged Sevenfold...

treetop walkin'

I had fun today treetop walking. it was a first for me, to go up to a height that high. Although it's not as high as an airplane, I still had the heebeegeebees. I must say I was brave enough to just walk the length of the bridge despite my fear.

It was trying because all I thought was what if the whole thing just fell and we got crushed by the weight of it all? What if I accidentally swung over and fell downward? In the end nothing happened.

So, I am grateful that:-

The bridge was alright

We did not fall

The weather was great

The kids enjoyed themselves

I got to see things I don't usually see

And I gained a new experience

I hope I get to go there again.

What about today..

So this is my blog of gratitude. Here is where I will try to promote positivity. I am so empowered with positivity that I just want to share with every single one out there..

No, I have not shaved my head and I am not wearing an orange robe, neither did I enroll myself into some ashram... I am still the same crazy and loony Sharifah except I am alot better; if you wanna believe in me. I feel empowered to do something, to make a change for myself and hopefully for some poor confused soul out there.

I realized that I have been too preoccupied with me, myself and I so I am making changes. By creating this blog, it will give me the opportunity to think about the positive stuff that happened during my days and weeks and will make me realize who I am and what I am here for.

Let's start with;-

I am grateful that Allah has granted me a new chance in life
I am grateful that I have my kids, husband and a roof over my head
I am grateful for the food on my table
I am grateful that my Dad is still with me
I am grateful that I have friends who care and think of me
I am grateful for making new friends and discovering new things
I am grateful to the person who discovered the black stuff called COFFEE

I am also glad that today started and ended fantastically. The weather was just right and my husband really does love me, more than anything else...

Love and peace...

A new beginning...

This blog is started again to share my daily thoughts and gratitude. Just what makes me feel good about myself and to remind myself that life has many options; I can break free.