Trying to pretend to be happy, will just hit you in the face. So if you have to be angry..go ahead and yell. No one should tell you what to do; don't have the bloody right to. Its your life to screw up and slip off, so do what you want.

Except sometimes, I wish I had half the guts to do it; and I don't... so life sucks that way..

Ahh well, at least it gives me time to smell more of the roses..even if they're dead ones.

Thoughts

The cold wind blows through the window like empty thoughts in my brain. I stood still listening to the whispers it sends me, as if it had some life. I wandered through empty rooms of memories left untouched by time and stood and lingered, each one warming me up, bit by bit, little by little.

Small little balls of though run around the floorboards and stay there. Sudden flurry of unknown voices sting my ears and I close my eyes to make out each one, to grasp a sense of familiarity but they all sound the same; echoing the same sentiment.

'I love you'

As if the torture of their loss is not enough, my eyes water in the sight of them. I try to reach out but they seem to go further and further away from me. The emptiness suddenly stabs like a knife, and I fall back, reeling in an unseen pain. A torture to my existence, blanket of darkness to my soul.

It is as if my purpose here has no meaning, my existence; a joke.

Tiny fingers jostle me awake. I open my eyes slowly and stare into small ones, replicas of my own. Small little hairs line his perfect eyes, a button nose and lips like little rosebuds. I close my eyes as he opens his; peek a boo..and then he catches me and smiles. I kiss his face and hold him close as we fall asleep again in a tight embrace.

Stoking his little arms, playing with his little fingers.. I realize that nothing else really matters. My future is here...in my embrace..and no one can take it away from me..and even when my time comes, my memories will live in him..just like they do, in my heart.

Maybe loneliness is my better friend

'How did we get here? I used to know you so well...
How did we get here? I think I know..'
Decode : Paramore

Confusion. Voices in my head screaming; low growls, almost animal like. Trying to make sense of everything while keeping the angered beast at bay. Trying to justify the meaning of what happened yet unsure and not caring.

So much anger and yet I am unsure where the point starts and where it ends. What exactly the source is and why its even happening. So many questions, so many unanswered 'whys'. I stare blankly at the four walls surrounding me...

tick tick tick...

Emptiness; only the sound of my breath echoes this haven I use to call my home. Giggling, merry laughter and so much happiness. Children running but I see shadows, no faces. I try to reach out but I'm pulled back..back to a place I don't belong..

I beg; Let me stay..I want to be with my angels...

You refuse to hear me; You refuse to let me stay. This darkness is all the friend I have..

tick tick tick...

... a little change

I have been having these really ridiculous dreams..I don't know what they mean really and I try not to dwell in them as much as I can. Although it does bother me half the time..yes, I am confused; as always.

When I look deeper into it (the dreams) I am looking at change. Well, everybody needs change, be it consciously or subconsciously. Everything; human or inanimate...we need a little change. Countries need change, just look at the USA..and Harry Potter needs a change, he needs to look sexier than Edward Cullen or risk falling into the sissy category (thats just MY opinion). I need to change and try to look my age instead of 30 years OLDER. My house needs a change because I have way too many kids, animals and...

I digress

Change is healthy when you know what you're doing. If you're depressed and you get a haircut and a make over to look a bit like that girl from the cover of the Health magazine, its ok..but if you were thinking about Cher then er..well I have no comment. Thats when it becomes unhealthy. The idea that change has to be drastic. Subtility is always a better option and no honey that dress makes you look like an over riped melon.

So come 2009, I have decided that yes, I want a change. I am giving myself an option to lose it or LOSE life. I am talking about my weight. Lately my knee has been flaring up again and its just bugging me so I have thought about the various options of weight loss that do not include the needle :O) are you insane? I wouldn't want that big of a needle on my butt or anywhere else!

Yes, we have all learnt that we should be grateful with what we have, big small or tiny. Yet one thing that comes to my mind when I think of my size is; DEATH BY HYPERTENSION. So I don't think that being like this is a good idea. I have started with cutting down on my binges. Yes, I miss my double cheeseburgers but I do not want butt cheeks that look like burger buns.

So what's your change and your resolution?

Is there something on your mind

You refuse to say?

Is it bothering you..

Why I act this way?

If you hide yourself

I cannot seek,

because the corner is too dark

And the vision is bleak

As much as we had

What was is gone

Yet I don't know why

Yet, I am still unsure

Of feelings long left unspoken

Of tears long dried and gone

A fear in here

I wish I could let go..

and yet..I see you standing there

In the distance..taunting me..

Your time has passed,

Let me live now..

A future to call my won..

I will hold you dear..and I will never forget..

Now..let me live my life.

Lately, I find myself lost in a prism of unknown thoughts. Random things that just seem to come and go as they please, like little sparrows that perch on your window sill and fly off before you get the chance to wave 'hello'.

Sometimes, I think I may just go insane..insane with so much feelings of sensual emotion, feelings that I thought were long dead. The adrenaline rush of falling into something..LOVE? No, something like it, but the difference is vast and as it is, unexplainable.

I feel uncivilized and abscured from the world..although hiding from all the hypocrasy may be a good idea. All it does is bite and hurt you, like a rabied dog on a mad binge..someone shoot that thing!

Tingles all over my skin and kisses all around from an unknown that seems to stick to my heart. Feeling helpless at my uncertain future yet hoping for a happiness that is just hard to grasp. Wondering if the unfairness of being in an unforseen future would be...

Blatantly ignorant of the sound of my conscience, lost in a subliminal dark abyss and enjoying a death -for- sure joyride on a piece of broken machinery that promised me bliss...my mind screams; INSANITY!!!

I am me..no doubt about that; no dopplegangers in the picture, your eyes will not fail you. I am where I stand and who I am suppose to be. There is no place for changes, compromises or second guesses.

Then again..part of me just wants to believe in the meaning of..simplicity...an appreciation for all things moderate and a love for all that is just unbeknownst to the roving eyes. Too much thoughts and so much pain..

I just want to be happy...for me...

(me and mak. I think I was 3..maybe four?)

Trying so hard to grasp all that is happening. To understand and make an impression of what's going on. Lost in a myriad of dreams, unspoken truths and unseen sadness. Looking out for what's been said and done, trying to correct the wrong and leaving empty spaces that just don't make sense.

Trying to deny an emptiness that surrounds and tumbling into the unknown secrets. Sharing a hardened task and going full head into the unrecognizable and unbelievable. Grasping a sense of subliminal sense of reality, crying for a closure of uncertainties and an end to the hypocracy.

Promising of a new tomorrow, restoring hope and faith. Linking what that has been broken annd fixing a path to make a whole new generation. To feel the strength and power of this insanity called LOVE.

In the end... LOVE will conquer all